Fear – WTF are you ?
This time of the year, brings in an abundance of emotions for me as I enter so many medical specialists rooms for review.
Yesterday was particularly emotionally draining, taking me into a spectrum of myself that I don’t really like but alas one that remains whilst health remains unbalanced. That is fear!
Nonetheless, yesterday came and with my courage I walked into the familiar hospital room and awaited for the appointment with my neurosurgeon . This was an appointment, learning if my inoperable brain tumour was the same as last review, or had it grown! Staying the same size in growth would be the best outcome as it would mean that life remains, wandering as I have been for the last six months, growing internally and healing externally. Unfortunately that best outcome, was not the case – the motherfucking growth inside my head, had not only grown slightly,it was now the size of a small nectarine.
My courage suddenly shrunk, I was immediately moving into a state of fear – in a state of discomfort, exposing myself to a place where I don’t like being. That place is so very vulnerable. But, somehow. I stayed strong and I was able to converse with the neurosurgeon about the best case scenario. Which was to begin a type of radiation therapy that in most cases, kills the live cells within the tumour, stopping any further growth.
This strength I found, in such circumstances, was me being fearless in the very centre of fear! I had not been able to do fearless, before this! I was at the roundabout, again looking at my old self but seeing who i want to be, no wait actually who i am. This thing, we call fear, it strikes in circumstances that can’t be seen – It then comes and it pulls stronger than gravity itself! The rest of the day became an incredible internal battle where I actually found myself, desperately searching for safety, holding on to every kind of mindful sanity i have come to know. I could easily have cried and God only knows I’ve done a lot of that, I could have screamed , why the fuck does it happen to me BUT in the end it’s about not only staying alive BUT it’s about living the life most important to my truest self.
Yesterday’s moments have truly taught me, what my truest self has been learning over a well walked journey. That learning curve is that, I continually want to grow and embrace new, versions of myself again and again. I definitely know that my true self wants and needs to be in the now, allowing the forward steps to flow like my inner most breath.
The truest sense of me has broken all of the bull shit boundaries that have been blocking what I want most for life in the whole. With the steps made, I am now able to really show up, filled with a courage but yet with a raw honesty that doesn’t hide from anything or anyone.
These moments, are the moments that stand still! These moments are those times, when you stand up and say “Fuck this is real and so am I”. When I sit still, like I am now, I can see the parts of me that create fear and courage all in one. That inner vision, allows me to know that everything will always be ok, because when I acknowledge the uneasy moments, life goes on turning discomfort into bliss. This journey becomes an ongoing process that will come and go when I step in and out of life’s movements.
For so long, I’ve been telling myself to find myself and my truest purpose. Yesterday, proved I’ve done it – well it’s in progress. I’m not only finding the path to my truest self but I am also wandering towards the destination of my purposeful message.
This path of mine, wandered with chronic health conditions, some known and others leading me with a blackened mask have been one of the hardest I’ve had to endure. But since,acknowledging all of my fucked up shit, I’ve been able to step into fear as a companion.
From, this moment, I want to take on life as an opportunity to be brave, to be courageous. I want to come alive and show myself and the world who I really am. I am not my complex health conditions, I am me, a woman of substance and so many variances. I can do this…..I am doing this.
Fear, WTF…….you’ve brought me home! Home to ME.
These are lessons learnt over a long walk but which make me so proud and if you are walking a similar path I hope I may have helped you see something in yourself.
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“Wandering Towards Wellness, Globally”