Who the fuck am I? DO YOU EVER ASK YOURSELF THAT or am I just the crazy bitch that the doubters, naysayers and haters say I am!!!
Am I the goddess of truth, light & healing or am I the goddess of dark, illness & death……
I truly am wondering this at the moment.
You see, I have a FUCKING big message to bring to the attention of the world and that seems to be the problem!
My message is “SUICIDE” but as soon as even the word is mentioned, people turn on me and then they immediately switch off! It is still the one huge subject within the mental illness bubble of life. Suicide numbers are rising, globally.
We have to talk about suicide, because to talk about it is about living and that to me, is what life is about!
“SUICIDE IS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM”
So to you that are still reading, suicide was brought into focus for me whilst I was living in Geelong. We were involved in two seperate sports clubs, cricket & football. We got really involved socially with all the fantastic people and within both instances hearing the news that 2 young men still with so much to live for , had taken their own lives was horrible to understand in every degree. The shock was devastating for their many friends, so to even understand what the families were going through- well you couldn’t. The only thought was that if only we knew the battle they were fighting. In the months afterwards I think there were many of us that knew these young men, going through a whole range of emotions, trying to make sense of the super situations;
- Guilt was definitely one – could I have changed the outcome had I been around?
- Anger- that they had selfishly taken the easy way out but, mostly, just an indelible sadness that we could never talk to them again.
But life goes on, however something is altered forever. I remember our family dealt with it particularly with regard to one of the boys because we were so close to him and like I’m sure many do, we didn’t talk about it properly and it was most definitely the elephant in the room.
SOME PEOPLE THINK SUICIDE IS SELFISH-THIS IS FAR FROM THE CASE!
In the years that followed my own health deteriorated and one after another, I was diagnosed with a multiple number of chronic illnesses. You, can never understand what the journey looks like, initially because you are so ill but the doctors can’t find what’s wrong with you- then they do and it’s a relief but then the journey keeps continuing to bring more pain. That physical pain really seriously puts pressure on your ability to cope and then suddenly without even knowing you are battling physical and mental health conditions. Throughout my own wandering with chronic health I’ve tried to stay strong by finding other mindfulness, treatments, people – anything that would allow me to keep the breath of life alive. In 2015 after a period of really good health, my health deteriorated seriously quickly. From about April of that year to September I was struggling to build the growing wellness centre that was my life force. My business ended and so did the energy to live, I was googling suicide and ways to die but I never did! 2016, arrived and a number of family circumstances caused me to spiral out of control, ended in hospital with pneumonia in March and then not long after I was back into hospital with chronic pain and illness. It was that admission and after a visit from one of my specialists that I knew I couldn’t keep going. I had to escape, I ventured out of the ward to take myself to the road so that I could kill myself. Obviously- I didn’t get their, but with the help of a most wonderful doctor I realised that my physical health complexities had caused my mental health to be critical and it was not normal to have suicidal thoughts. I spent three weeks in hospital organising medications and therapies to help my physical and mental health conditions.
Suicide can be difficult to understand for anyone who hasn’t been suicidal. I thought about my mindset at the time of the young men of Geelong and their suicide, and I probably did consider it a selfish act. That is far from the case now. Some people also think suicide is a choice, again this is wrong. I actually think suicide is often due what people perceive as a lack of choice. I now know that the person who takes their own life OR EVEN TRIES IT, believes it is the only way to stop the pain.
I’ve promised myself, if I ever get to that place again, I will open up AND I guess it’s why I WANT THE DISCUSSION TO OPEN UP within the world more every day.
I want to try and explain what takes a person to the point where they cannot conceive of living any more. Despite having seen at first hand the devastation that suicide of a loved one, brings I was at the point where I genuinely believed that everyone who knew me would be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. When you are in such a dark place, all insight and rational thoughts are lost. It’s not necessarily that you want to die, you just don’t want to carry on living. There is just an never ending darkness in your mind, which you think will never end. You become very good at hiding it, putting on a mask.
Do what happens when you start to get treatment and clarity begins to return. Well seriously talking about my experience, I couldn’t quite believe I nearly came so close to putting my most loved ones through such a horrendous ordeal. Hopefully I won’t in the future.
I’m in the best place I can be at the moment, even though I do stop at times like these moments because of my chronic physical illnesses. I am busy equipping myself with the tools to keep on top of my mental health, so that the physical health doesn’t tip me over. But I also know that if I ever do get to that place again, I need to open up to those around me before it’s too late and another reason why it’s my mission and message to get my loved ones and the wider community and world learning to talk about the subject.
There should be NO STIGMA in talking about SUICIDE.
I know that people are afraid of suicide because they don’t understand it, which is why it’s my role to help the world demystify it, and make it so that people are not uncomfortable expressing suicidal thoughts.
SUICIDAL thoughts doesn’t make you selfish or weak, it’s just a symptom of an illness, and like other symptoms of other illnesses there should be no stigma or shame in talking about it, indeed, it should be encouraged.
My name is Lisa-Raie, I am the barefoot goddess of light and dark who wants to talk suicide with you.
If you or anyone you know is feeling suicidal please find some phone numbers available for you within Australia, USA and the U.K;
Ph. 1300 22 4636
Ph. 13 11 14
Calm: 0800 585858,
HopeLine UK – 0800 068 4141
I want this message, my message spoken about and I would be so grateful if you, yes you would be kind enough to share it with your community. By sharing we begin to talk about it and that’s what is so important.
Please connect with me on my social media channels;
“Wandering Towards Wellness Globally”