Tonight I write in a dark place……
The last week, I’ve noticed both mind and body sliding- is it because of all the therapies I’ve begun- is it a virus or an infection that has gotten hold of my immune system! No matter what it is life seems so unworthy of and for me right now! Things literally have me thinking that I have no resources for helping myself or anyone else. So why the fuck am I wandering this path for awareness for Functional Neurological Disorder & the many other chronic illnesses- well these circumstances are why!!
I know very well now, that surviving the depression that my health takes me into is so very scary. I also know that when these dark thoughts start reappearing it’s the red warning light flickering that I need to take even better care of myself. You see, depression and chronic illness deconstructs my every breath bringing the reappearance of the big scraggy black dog waltzing back through the door. This frightens the hell out of me and that’s something, even the most beautiful people around me doing all they can will never understand- christ I don’t even know why this, health roller coaster and its dog friend does this either.
In this last week I’ve completely lost my way, including an appetite for food and life, so I thought if I jumped back into my strict juicefasting and meditation regime I could regather my energy and thoughts. But, alas no, I’ve become even more lethargic and exhausted – I have aches and pains like the worst autoimmune flare that ever there was! I don’t want to go to my many appointments and therapies – I just want it all to stop! I am done adulting!
So with those thoughts, I come back to today and it has felt like I literally can’t keep doing this any longer BUT oh I do! What the fuck – I am full of contradictions tonight- I don’t want to live BUT, yet I want to live and fill my life with the visions, dreams and passions that fill me with hope and take the dark away. So, this is why I ramble tonight because I know I have some ability in reaching out into the world through blog , letting you, the one that is struggling too know, it’s not just you that feels this destructive pull! Together through my scrambled thoughts and feelings of pain and sadness, hope and healing there is a future-if we can just see through the mist and messyness that life sits us in right now!
So, as I mentioned as this last week has moved forward- I’ve noticed my appetite disappearing, well to be perfect honest, I don’t have a big one anyway so to lose interest altogether- I know is wrong! WHY – because i know that i need food for energy and if I have no energy i can’t feel okay. I’m not saying that increasing my diet is going to fix these problems I am feeling but across my wandered journey I know that good healthy nutrition, helps more than everyone realises. I’ve learnt something about living with debilitating illnesses that affect my ability to eat and that is when I have a sustained and healthier appetite with clean nutrition it allows for a better and brighter ‘ME’ and if that’s the case I can function better which means just perhaps my mind and body will be able to recover from its functional flaws that I battle with at present.
Journaling tonight, right now seems cathartic, however I feel still so discouraged with this dark space that I have again landed in! I can’t believe what my physical health has done to my mental health and viceversa. I know I’m just scrambling at this point because it’s a matter of holding myself together.
Falling into depression and such darkness is my most difficult path with living with multiple chronic illnesses all of the time. I’m so tired of it. It is what makes me lose hope, but then I hear my medical specialists words whispering “there is time for everything YOU want life to be – it maybe different from the original vision, but life is still there for you to live”. With, these whispers, I just need to hold on.
I dont know you, yes YOU, that is reading this or maybe I do BUT I know I definitely don’t know your individual struggles. I know we all have them at some point and if you are reading my struggles tonight, then I believe there’s hope and a reason I both put pen to paper and then to blog. This message is for me, but it’s for you too – Just surviving until tomorrow is enough. Then, when tomorrow rises, let us then look at that day. What is important is that we stay alive and keep fighting for something better – something much better than this.I know it won’t get any better if i give up. Suicide is not an option. If you have suicidal thoughts creeping into your mind, it is those even bigger flickering red warning lights telling yourself to be nicer to you in every way you can and I know because I’ve been in that place and that’s what scares me with this darkness that I sit in now.
As I ponder for a moment, I realise that the words written are my ways, for again talking my way through the mess and mist, whilst reaching for support. Let me reach for a glass of water and take care of myself physically and the mental part will follow. I hope wherever you are and if you’ve resonated with this – you too will be able to reach for a glass of water and look after yourself tonight too and together we will get through this.
You can connect with me through;
“Wandering Towards Wellness Globally”